Showing posts with label Funny shit. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Funny shit. Show all posts

Thursday, April 28, 2011

2 coats-1 new, 1 old

Its funny how we end up with all of the random coats we have hanging in our closet. I have managed to keep at least 1 coat around from the last 10 restaurants I have worked in since I was 14. This week I was truly honored to be named a chef of distinction at Johnson and Whales University. On Wednesday I gave a demo on molecular cooking and made a few dishes including a shrimp sheet with ricotta, lemon and charcoal oil. Thanks to the President, instructors and chef Jorge for making me feel so welcome. The other coat came to me after a hectic day of running around prepping for hush. I ended up down at the Westin tabor center needing to compress some celery, the chef lets me use his machine in a pinch. All I had on was a dirty t-shirt and I could not walk the halls with everyone else in uniform. I asked a manager for a coat to use and out popped Scott Burnham coat. Apparently not many people liked him, I had some interesting conversations in the elevator. As I was driving home I noticed I had walked out with the coat so if you know Scott tell him I have something for his closet.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

The commissary smells like weed

We work out of a commissary were we rent dry storage space, walk-in space and pay $20 an hour to use the facility. Slowly the caterers and street food companies have been phased out by hard candy makers and THC soda suppliers. The kitchens are separated by walls and locks but the unmistakable odor finds it's way around the whole complex. I guess it is a sign of the times here in Colorado but I miss the smell of stewed beef tongue.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Have you kissed your dishwasher today?

I miss my dishwasher. The last 4 years I was spoiled at a hotel where there was a team of stewards that did all of the cleaning for us. Now I find myself soaked from head to toe after a good battle with the dishwasher after a catered event. My advice( if your dishwasher is worth keeping) is to grill up a good steak, crack open a nice beer and thank your dishwasher at the end of their shift because you don't want to end up wet and stinky

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Planning for 2000 liquid nitrogen slushies

I have always loved math but sometimes the numbers are overwhelming. It starts with a simple recipe: 3 oz of fruit syrup strawberry or mango, 3 oz of apple juice and 4 ounces of water. Add 6 ounces of liquid nitrogen and top with .2 oz sweetened condensed milk. Serve in a corn based recycled cup with a jumbo straw. Now multiply by 2000. That would be roughly 25 gallons each of fruit puree, 50 gallons of apple juice and about 65 gallons of water. Each 220 liter tank of nitrogen has 58 gallons but the nitrogen is always evaporating. If my tanks are delivered today, how much will be left for the event?94 gallons times the evaporation rate in the dewar times the number of hours, to be on the safe side I will order 3 tanks. Straws and cups are easy, just need to think about the environmental impact. 4 gallons of sweetened condensed milk. Now how many people do I need??

Friday, July 31, 2009


We just got a new slicer that has a automatic setting
This was the label attached to the new death machine
Notice the fingers have been cut clear off

Monday, June 8, 2009


You rarely meet a line cook that does not have some crazy tattoo. Mike surprised me yesterday with this mustache on his finger. We talked about getting him a different expression on each finger. A living mister potato head

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Dear Restaurant Week

I am writing this letter to tell you how much I hate you. In theory you seem like a good thing, a chance for people to try restaurants that they have not before. This is where your fun stops. Your days are long with prep and nights are full of ass kicking. Your friends are very demanding and seem like they only like to be your pal during this week. Let them know that when the dinning room gets busy that it will generally be loud. If your friends are looking for a romantic dinner, restaurant week may not be the time. Also if you could mention that we are doing some molecular techniques on the menu. If they want floating islands or miracle fruit gum, we offer our menu on Thursday, Friday's or Saturday's. I would like to be everything for you but lets be realistic. In closing thanks for back dooring me for another week. I look forward to all of our time together.
My wife would like to thank you for letting me spend so much time with you
Thanks again
Chef Ian Kleinman

Monday, February 16, 2009

The busiest week of my life

I am going to attempt to get caught up on some post today. This past week seems like a dream or a funny story I would laugh at if someone told me. Here are a few thoughts from this past week: I am going to die on this airplane today. Will 6 ice packs and 1 pound of dry ice keep my items cold until I open it 3 days later? Am I really standing here asking Harold McGee my theory of combining flavors using absolute zero? Is that right, we sold 110 tasting menus this week? I am glad I do not drive a cab. I hope I can sleep tonight. Are my global serving tongs going to make it through security? Holly shit, my tongs made it through security, what else are people getting on the plane? Am I going to see my wife on Valentines day. This is what I do with my vacation days? I am in New York and I did not get my pizza fix

Saturday, January 17, 2009


Mark has a laugh that can be recognized throughout the hotel. As I turned the corner yesterday I saw him in tears wearing this very "special" uniform that only Mark could pull off.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

look Ma I am a Top Chef

One of my regular tasting menu customers came in tonight and told me he saw my photo on the Top Chef website. He told me to go to season 5 on Hosea's photo page. Sure enough there is a photo of me making liquid nitrogen sorbet for a wine tasting I had here a few months ago.( It is the 5th photo on the page) I have no head in the picture but it is my coat, table set up, restaurant, everything. I will have to give Hosea some shit when I talk to him next time.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

The Gadget Test

If you have ever lived in Colorado or watched the news on your way through town you probably recognize this guy, Bill Clarke. He was a news anchor for many years at channel 7. Bill is retired from TV, now he does some side projects for different media outlets in Colorado. Bill asked me if he could bring up some kitchen gadgets that he ordered off those late night infomercials. I have always wanted to know if the electric vegetable peeler really works or if the slider grill made perfect paddies. We had a blast trying some different gadgets. The only one that really worked was a microwavable pasta cooker. The story will be coming out in the Rocky Mountain News Spotlight section in the next 2 weeks.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Tim The Line Cook

I have a cook named Tim on my morning line. Tim has been to a few too many Gratefull Dead shows if you know what I mean. There is always something going on with him, this week he has been taking part in a sleeping disorder study. He takes lots of pain pills and sometimes it is amazing that his food hits the window. Tim came to work on Sunday just like he always does. This week we had a few people out so we had to schedule him for a different shift. This is the message he left for the chef on Sunday:

"Chef this is Tim Harris, it is Sunday morning and I went to work because you changed the schedule and did not tell me about it. I am suppose to be off Monday Tuesday not Sunday Monday. I am really pissed off about this. You owe me $5 dollars for gas."

I cannot tell you how hard I laughed the first time I heard this

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Fox 31

I did a quick demo about the space foam course for project pave on Sunday. I like doing live TV, you never know what will happen or who you will run into. I was waiting in the green room to go on and in walks Stifler from American Pie. He was a pretty funny guy, he ended up doing a weather segment that was hilarious.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

A day off, finally

Took a few days off this week to try to settle the voices in my head. Chefs love to golf, it is a chance to get out and hit something really hard. On my attempt to play this week I did something I have never seen before. A hole in one, yea right. How about hitting a ball so high that it almost buried itself in the green. Wouldn't this be a cool dish??

Saturday, August 30, 2008

3 years old going on 42

We have a very interesting group in house. They bring a lot of business to the hotel. They take courses throughout the week on meditation, palates etc.. When a problem happens I am the first to make it right with the guest. Sometimes there is nothing you can do. A bare foot lady entered the restaurant and ordered a flat bread. It usually has around a 12 minute ticket time. After 8 minutes she came to the kitchen and demanded her food. My manager asked the lady to wait in the bar and told her she could not be in a public area with out shoes. She walked into our bar and dropped to the ground and through a tantrum. All I could do was laugh, ask if she needed a time out and move on.

Monday, March 10, 2008

A room service order

We got an order yesterday for our beefsteak tomato salad on the room service menu. The ticket said: beefsteak salad, hold the beef, add chicken.